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2035 – The Year In Review

December 25, 2015

By Paul Homewood

 

  

 Big-Ben-in-Winter

 

 

 

 

You’ve seen the trailer, and now, with the help of a time machine, it’s what you’ve all been waiting for!     

 

2035 – The Year in Review   

 

 

January     

The New Year began in the same way the old one finished, cold and snowy. Julia Slingo blamed it on global warming.

Power cuts had become a regular feature of life, as the grid failed to cope with demand, following the closure of the last of the gas-fired power stations in 2033, as a result of the Gummer Gas Power Station Directive (2032).

The computer dependent economy was left in chaos as industry and commerce (or what was left of it) shut down for hours on end. Worse still, two aircraft collided above Heathrow, with the loss of 580 lives, after the backup generator had failed at Air Traffic Control.

For many ordinary people the cuts made little difference – they had already had their electricity cut off, unable to afford the sky high prices. Local woodlands were denuded as people collected every bit of wood they could find to burn at home.

Those with gas heating fared little better. The Gummer Gas Users Directive (2031) had introduced rationing and a carbon tax which tripled prices. Most households had enough for a couple of days heating, as long as they did not want to cook or wash.

 

February

With Nissan’s announcement that their Tyne & Wear assembly plant would close, the last vestige of the British car industry disappeared. The writing had been on the wall since the Gummer Motor Transport Directive (2026), which rationed fuel, raised vehicle duty to £1200 pa, and increased fuel duty to £2.50 per litre.

At the end of the month, the Daily BBC Guardian announced that it was putting its licence fee up to £985 pa. The fee was compulsory for all households whether they had a TV or not, or could even read.

(The free press had been expunged years ago. Problems began after the Daily Mail columnist, Quentin Letts, had been censured for suggesting that the Met Office might not be quite perfect. Soon, the newly formed State Press Commission attempted to ban all criticism of public bodies, from the EU down to the Met Office and BBC. First they tried punitive fines, and then resorted to compulsory closure and jailing of editors and journalists).

After a frigid winter, Brits finally had some spring warmth to cheer them. Julia Slingo blamed it on global warming.

 

March

The new Archbishop of Canterbury, Justin Trilby, announced that the Church of England would be renamed the Assembly of Religious, Socialist Environmentalists, or A.R.S.E. “The old name”, he said, “was fuddy duddy. The new one better reflects where we’re down at these days, innit”.

He also confirmed that the new Bible, due to be published next year, would remove all references to God. New LGBT and Australian characters would be introduced in order to reflect the diverse nature of society in ancient Judea.

A new paper by Cook & Lewandowsky found that 110% of all scientists believed that man made global warming was the most dangerous thing ever to have happened in the whole history of the world. Comrade Harrabin of the Daily BBC Guardian said that the world’s politicians must act on this warning at the COP41 Climate Conference, to be held in November in Monaco.

 

April

The Easter holiday was, as usual, a wash out. Julia Slingo blamed it on global warming.

Archbishop Trilby announced that Easter would be abolished from next year, as nobody believed in all this Jesus stuff anymore.

There was news from the Brussels Government that Austria had filed an appeal against the Hinkley Point nuclear project on the grounds of illegal state subsidies. This was in fact an appeal against the rejection of their previous appeal, which was against the rejection of their original appeal in 2015. As a result, construction would be delayed for at least another seven years.

The Maldives Government, holding their annual underwater cabinet meeting, announced plans to build three more airports and develop five more leisure complexes on uninhabited islands. The projects would be financed by Chinese investors.

 

May

The Government published statistics showing that unemployment had increased for the fifteenth year running, to 6.2 million. The President of the NW Euro Region reassured the public that millions of new green jobs would soon be created.

Arsenal Clinton announced that he would be entering the race for the Presidency next year, when his mother, Chelsea, stepped down.

Meanwhile, the President of the Greater Texas Republic, Ted Cruz, said the new 12ft high steel border fence would shortly be complete. The controversial fence, started last year, is designed to keep out economic migrants from the US.

In football news, Chelsea appointed Jose Mourinho as manager for the fifth time.

 

June

King Charles warned that we only had six months left to save the planet from global warming. Critics pointed out that global temperatures had been dropping for the last 20 years.

The IMF reported that China had overtaken the US in GDP per capita rankings, after logging up 8% growth last year. China has long since overtaken the US in total GDP terms, taking advantage of abundant and cheap fossil fuels. Ambrose Evans-Pritchard, writing in the Daily BBC Guardian, claimed that solar panels were now nearly as cheap as coal and gas, and that fossil fuels would soon be a thing of the past in China.

Chelsea announced that John Terry’s contract would be extended for another 12 months.

England lost the First Test against Afghanistan. Skipper, Alastair Cook, complained that his players struggled with the 80F heat. Julia Slingo blamed it on global warming, but Kevin Pietersen said they would not have lost if he had been playing.

 

July 

A new study from NOAA proved that global temperatures had actually been rising for the last 30 years. Sceptics had long claimed that the world was actually getting colder, but the study by Thomas Karl found that temperatures prior to 2015 had been overestimated by more than 1C, and therefore needed to be adjusted downwards.

A court sentenced Nigel Farage to six months at the EU Re-education Centre, for criticising President Blair.

England hung on to draw the Second Test against Afghanistan, after rain washed out the final day’s play. Julia Slingo blamed it on global warming, and Kevin Pietersen said they would have won if he had been playing.  

Big Arnie stars in the newly released Terminator 17, as a robot sent back from the 25thC to kill the robot sent back from the 24thC, which had been sent back to kill (cont p98).

  

August

Developing countries, led by China, India and S Korea, insisted that developed countries must do the most to cut emissions of CO2. It was wrong, they said, to expect developing countries to limit their economic growth. They also said the upcoming COP41 in Monaco must deal with the issue of compensation. Developed countries had, they claimed, promised to pay $100bn a year twenty years ago, but so far only $9bn had been handed over.

There were riots in Athens, as the Greek Parliament voted for the austerity package, which would unlock the $120bn bailout package from the EU/IMF. The bailout was needed to pay off the previous bailout in 2032, which was needed to pay off the previous bailout, which was needed………………… Unemployment in Greece hit an all time high of 67% earlier this year.

It was a damp, overcast month, and output from solar panels was frequently pitifully small, leading to regular power cuts.

England’s cricket team lost their one day match against the Romanian Women’s team by 126 runs. Julia Slingo said they would have won if she had been playing. Kevin Pietersen blamed it on global warming. [Shurely a mistake? Ed]

 

 

September

The UN expressed extreme concern that the world’s cereal production was likely to be lower than average this autumn for the third year running. Cold winters and springs in the Northern Hemisphere meant that growing seasons were three weeks shorter than normal. Severe drought conditions across the Russian Steppes, comparable to the 1970’s, have made matters even worse.

Top scientists of the time, such as HH Lamb, believed that the 1972 Russian drought was caused by the expanding Arctic ice cap. This has again been happening in recent years, and data shows that the Arctic minimum ice extent this summer is the highest since 1985.

The UK Government announced that it would be buying 100 jet fighters from India, to replace the aged Tornado fleet, which had been built by the now defunct British Aerospace.

England’s chances of reaching next summer’s European Championship football tournament vanished after losing 2-0 to Liechtenstein. Captain, Wayne Rooney, 50, who missed a crucial penalty, complained that his meat pie might have been sabotaged.

 

October

Professor Peter Wadhams warned that the Arctic ice cap could disappear within five years unless we built more windmills. Inhabitants of Iceland were surprised by this news, as much of their coastline had been hemmed in by sea ice all summer, in the worst conditions since 1979.

At home, DEFRA announced that a cold, damp summer had led to one of the poorest harvests for years.

At the end of the month, Britain shivered as blizzards brought six inches of snow to London. Heathrow was closed for three days, whilst much of the motorway network was at a standstill. Julia Slingo blamed it on global warming.

India published plans to build another 500 coal power stations in the next five years, to bring to fruition the objective of providing cheap and reliable energy to the whole of the country. The government said that enormous progress had already been made in the last 20 years, thanks to investment in coal and nuclear power.

Sepp Blatter, President of FIFA, was under investigation for bribery, relating to the awarding of the 2038 World Cup to Dubai. Blatter had been reinstated in his post back in 2023, after an eight year ban for corruption.  

  

November

Guy Fawkes Night was a bit of a damp squib, following the government’s decision to ban all bonfires. Secretary of State for Climate Change, Tarquin Wright-Pratt, explained that this was necessary to help meet our CO2 targets.

DEFRA began plans to issue ration books for bread and certain other foodstuffs, after food shortages had led to civil unrest.

The world’s leading climate expert, James Hansen, warned that Manhattan would soon be under several feet of water, before he was led away by doctors in white coats. Meanwhile, Christopher Booker, 97, was sentenced to six months hard labour at the EU Correction Center in Brussels. He had been found guilty of telling the truth.

Arrangements were now in full flow for the COP41 Climate Conference in Monaco. As there were not enough hotel rooms for all of the 50,000 attendees, several cruise liners, including the QE4, were parked offshore. All of the best restaurants had been booked up long ago, so Greenpeace made sure their staff would not suffer by hiring a top team of chefs led by Gordon Ramsay.

 

December

Reporters wept and danced in the streets as the world’s leaders declared that they had agreed to save the planet from global warming, at the end of the COP41 Climate Conference in Monaco. Under the new agreement, developing countries led by China and India would be allowed to increase emissions as much as they wanted until 2050. Developed countries, who were wrecking the climate with their 10% of global emissions, promised to cut them to zero within 15 years.

The new Star Wars film, Episode XX: Attack of the Zimmer Frames, broke all box office records on its opening day. From the Bide a Wee While care home, Harrison Ford said that this would be his last film, as his light sabre was getting too limp.

Britain ground to a halt as several inches of snow covered the country amid record low temperatures. A brass monkey was even observed crying his eyes out in Trafalgar Square.

Julia Slingo is 98. 

 

 

 

And Finally!

I would like to wish everybody a Happy and Prosperous New Year. I would also have wished you all a Merry Xmas, but it was banned ten years ago!

 

 

  

33 Comments leave one →
  1. The Old Bloke permalink
    December 25, 2015 9:54 am

    Happy Christmas everyone and of course Paul for all the work put into this site.
    Interesting picture to start this thread. I note that a very High Pressure area 1045 milli’ is now starting to head west out of Russia. It looks like, this time next week, the East side of the country or the country as a whole will be the battle ground between moist westerlies and freezing easterlies. This time next week? I’m getting quite excited as the area of High pressure is huge and if it takes hold over the U.K., remember 2010? remember Dec/Jan 2081/82? Keep an eye on it folks, this looks interesting to say the least!

  2. MikeB permalink
    December 25, 2015 10:17 am

    A very Happy Christmas to you and yours and heartfelt thanks for all you do. Particularly tickled with “Tarquin Wright-Pratt”; not a threatened species it seems.

  3. Bloke down the pub permalink
    December 25, 2015 10:29 am

    Have a good one Paul. Hopefully the New Year will bring you even more successes.

  4. December 25, 2015 10:29 am

    made me laugh–I hate the year in review shtick that most media seem to feel is necessary but I thoroughly enjoyed this review.I will be pushing 90 in that year–it will be here before we know it.Hoping I can still swing an ax in 2035.

  5. December 25, 2015 10:46 am

    Merry Christmas 2015 everybody. Enjoy Christmas before it is banned.

  6. AlecM permalink
    December 25, 2015 10:48 am

    Top of the Season t’you.

  7. NeilC permalink
    December 25, 2015 10:57 am

    Thanks Paul, hilarious. Wishing you and all the readers of your excellent blog a very Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

  8. December 25, 2015 11:18 am

    Merry Christmas Paul, a great year’s blogging. Weild the clue bat with vigour in 2016

  9. Joe Public permalink
    December 25, 2015 11:45 am

    Fantastic, Paul.

    Your piece initiated many laughs-out-loud – particularly the church’s new acronym, and the prospect of BBC propaganda costing citizens even more.

    In gratitude for all the info they’ve begrudgingly sent you as responses to your FOI requests, perhaps a framed & signed copy could be sent to the Met Office’s Chief Scientist?

  10. A C Osborn permalink
    December 25, 2015 12:07 pm

    Merry Christmas everyone.
    Paul please keep up the good work in 2016.

  11. Anoneumouse permalink
    December 25, 2015 12:23 pm

    yo ho ho and a bottle of rum

    thumbs up

    merry Christmas

    hic

  12. December 25, 2015 12:27 pm

    Thanks for the peek into the future Paul. It was a great read.

    Merry Christmas to you and yours. (I await the police breaking down my door for that)

    ~ Mark

  13. RoyFOMR permalink
    December 25, 2015 12:29 pm

    Thanks for the laugh, Paul, and also to Mark Stoval for the link from WUWT. Merry Xmas and a Happy New Year.

  14. BLACK PEARL permalink
    December 25, 2015 12:58 pm

    Slingo still pulling her pension at 98 ! … Justice still in short supply
    All the best for 2016

  15. December 25, 2015 1:15 pm

    Many thanks, Paul, for invaluable work.

    Your ‘Daily BBC Gaunadir’ (sic) is chillingly accurate. I’ve long lost count of the number of folks who – once they’ve been exposed to the uncertainties and facts – quickly realise it’s a nefarious scam.

    Continued power to your elbow.

  16. catweazle666 permalink
    December 25, 2015 1:51 pm

    Nice one, Paul!

    Keep up the good work.

  17. justanotherpersonii permalink
    December 25, 2015 2:29 pm

    Merry Christmas, Paul!

    Indeed, keep up the good work and don’t lose that sense of humor!

  18. December 25, 2015 2:44 pm

    I have so appreciated this blog which I found in May. Merry Christmas to all. Truth is precious. The real Truth was born in Bethlehem and we celebrate the coming of Him today.

  19. Mark Hodgson permalink
    December 25, 2015 4:51 pm

    Thanks, Paul, for all your efforts, which are very much appreciated.

    Please keep up the good work, and I’ll be back next year for more treats.

  20. Don permalink
    December 25, 2015 4:56 pm

    Mr. Homewood, thank you for your hard work on this blog. You help maintain sanity in this convoluted world.

    Don, west of the colonies, fly over country USA

  21. CheshireRed permalink
    December 25, 2015 4:57 pm

    Great work Paul. Merry Christmas and a happy new year to all.

  22. December 25, 2015 7:43 pm

    🙂

  23. John Peter permalink
    December 25, 2015 8:23 pm

    If Sligo is 68 now, she should give us a break and retire on 31 Dec 15. Predictions are probably a bit exaggerated, but certainly contain a grain of truth. Hopefully the British “establishment” will “see the light” before 2035 and actually help us to “keep the lights on” after all. Is there a bit of enlightenment somewhere hidden away in Osborne’s brain? Trying to chip away at the nonsense bit by bit? If so the big swing towards common sense in climate change could happen if he replaces Cameron in 2019 or thereabouts. We should be so lucky. Think if it happened after the US after all elected a climate sceptic republican as president and maintained “red” majorities in Congress. One can always dream about a bit of “salvation”.

  24. glenwaytown permalink
    December 25, 2015 8:30 pm

    Thanks for all you do Paul – invaluable work.

  25. johnbuk permalink
    December 25, 2015 10:50 pm

    I echo everyone here – thanks Paul for all you do, it is much appreciated. One slight addition to November, you forgot the aid package received by the UK from North Korea, the extra wood pulp could alleviate some problems over the new year.

  26. December 25, 2015 11:39 pm

    Merry Christmas, Paul. And thanks for all your good work, here in this superb blog.
    Your very funny 2035 Review will be tested against what happens then, of course.
    BTW, Joe Bastardi, over at http://www.weatherbell.com/ thinks the cold of winter will spill from the western USA to the east, to whole Atlantic coast this coming week.

  27. John F. Hultquist permalink
    December 25, 2015 11:51 pm

    MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL!

    [Joe P. suggests you send the post to the Chief Scientist. Good idea, but maybe first fix the date in January that, I think should be 2031 …
    The Gummer Gas Users Directive (1931)]

  28. nzrobin permalink
    December 26, 2015 12:21 am

    Love the humour Paul. As someone once said, ‘many a true word is spoken in jest’. Wishing you and yours a wonderful Christmas with plenty of jolly good fun. And thanks for all the work you do here. Notalotofpeopleknowthat is a great blog, and I hope 2016 sees even more success for it.

    And thanks to the commentators here too, I appreciate the opportunity to learn from you lot too. You are a good humoured bunch … and smart.

    Wishing you all the best, from the sunny South Pacific.

  29. nightgaunt49 permalink
    December 26, 2015 2:52 am

    Love the unrealistic silliness Paul. Though the only thing keeping the UK warmer than it should be is that warm current that should it stop flowing you will be under the ice. That one is no joke indeed. From a hot 80 degrees F at 95% humidity in Houston, Texas. Unusual for a December at Xmas time. All the best you and yours for 2016.

  30. Saigon Silver Surfer permalink
    December 26, 2015 4:47 am

    Reference the Chief Scientist:-
    “Once upon a time there was a king who wanted to go fishing. He called the royal weather forecaster and inquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours. The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain coming. So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen. On the way he met a farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the king the farmer said, “Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area”. The king was polite and considerate, he replied: “I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. And besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way.” So he continued on his way. However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition. Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the professional.
    Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster.
    The farmer said, “Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey’s ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain.”
    So the king hired the donkey. And thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions.

    And the practice is unbroken to this day !!!”

  31. dennisambler permalink
    December 26, 2015 10:14 am

    Hilarious.

  32. waterside4 permalink
    December 26, 2015 10:37 am

    Wishing Captain Paul and all the crew on here a Happy and prosperous New Year.

  33. December 26, 2015 9:01 pm

    Thanks Paul! I’m still smiling! Happy New Year!

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