By Paul Homewood
A new term has entered the lexicon of measurements, the Wadhams.
One Wadhams equals 1 million sq km, although at times it can also equal zero or 4.1 million sq km. (It is believed this may have something to do with the space and time continuum).
Some have suggested that, to make it shorter and more succinct, the Wadhams be renamed the Prat.
However, we also need subdivisions of the Wadhams, so suggestions are invited. For instance, ten Smegheads could equal one Wadhams. You get the idea.
There are, of course, many other areas where rapid technological developments require new terms of their own.
For instance, the constantly changing historical temperature record needs a scale in addition to Fahrenheit and Centigrade. This is to be known as the “Tampered” scale. (Many think this process of change, called Karlisation, has something to do with black holes, but others believe it is a simple function of money)
Other terms have entered the wacky world of climate science. For instance, there is a new calendar, the Hayhoe, which began in 1970. Years pre Hayhoe, or pH, are ignored for climatological purposes.
A new verb has also entered circulation – to Cox. This means going on TV, holding up a bit of paper, and pretending you know all about a subject which you have not got a clue about. (Note that a “Cox” is also a monetary value, equivalent to £10000, and refers to the money paid for aforesaid activities. Also “Hypocoxry” means flying half way round the world to warn people about the dangers of burning fossil fuels).
Then we have a Slingo – meaning almighty cockup. An example is forecasting a dry winter just a week before the wettest one on record.
To Harrabin is to constantly publish misleading and one-sided propaganda. (To McGrath is to attempt to Harrabin, but get your facts desperately wrong).
Other words now have alternative meanings. For example, “Concerned” can now also mean “Socialist”, as in the Union of Concerned Scientists. (Note also the alternative definition of “Scientist” here!)
All other suggestions welcome!!